Have you ever.......

Here I sit with a chilly breeze coming through my window while I think of how happy I am that my mother has power back.  It had been off since 2pm on Monday when Hurricane Sandy came running through.  I was thinking while there was no power here that I am moved to tears by many books that I read.  To the point of finding a piece of paper - any piece will do that I can write a passage on.  To remember the feeling.  To save a piece of me so that I can show the outside world my strength.  Because to see me weak is something I learned at a young age..... 5 yrs old .....people will take advantage of.

Due to things that happened to me as a very young child I have a very hard time watching TV that features sexual abuse, fictional and non-fictional.  Reading books about the same subject are just as hard for me.  Though my mother never knew about the abuse and we did move away from the area shortly after I was scarred.  I pick and choose carefully if I am to deal with books, TV or even discussions on the subject.  Some it would seem would ask why? 

The answer is simple, While I can openly talk about it - people in general are not comfortable with that conversation.  Some get upset, some ask if it "really" happened.  Others have even suggested it was a fantasy........ as if any 5 yr old would actually fantasize about such a thing. But then I have to remember they are dealing with a violation of their values and they are just dealing with it like me.  I have had a longer time.

So when I make a decision to read something that I know is going to bring up sadness, anger and depression I make it after thinking over it carefully.

Reading "The Lovely Bones" was a hard - very hard decision to me but when on a pleasant journey to "Sals" (salvation army) I found the book and decided it was time to read it.  The movie looked interesting but I could not imagine watching it.  It would have to be the book first.

Imagine my surprise and delight that I found someone writing on this subject in a way that yes may me cry, feel deeply, but also allowed me to grieve for my lost innocence.  There were many passages that I scribbled down and I am still finding them as I clean books and corners in my home.  This one passage very eloquently summed up my feeling about my abuse.

     "Once released from life, having lost it in such violence, I couldn't calculate my steps.  I didn't have time for contemplation.  In such violence, it is the getting away that you concentrate on.  When you begin to go over the edge, life receding from you as a boat recedes inevitably from shore .  You hold on to death tightly, like a rope that will transport you and you swing out on it, hoping only to land away from where you are." 

     "And as Flora twirled, other girls and women came through the field in all directions.  Our heartache poured into one another like water from cup to cup.  Each time I told my story, I lost a bit, the smallest drop of pain."

     " At fourteen, my sister sailed away from me into a place I'd never been.  In the walls of my sex there was horror and blood, in the walls of hers there were windows."

These passages and others in many books that I have read have helped me remember the joy of living, ease the burden of sadness and give me permission to grieve my losses.  I wish that each of you receive this gift from your books.

From what books and passages are you moved?

Why I love books

Interestingly enough I love technology, just not for books and reading.  Yes I have a "reader" of sorts, but I use it for connecting to the internet at my mother's house vice reading books.  I have something like 5 maybe 6 books on it so I can read if I want.  But mostly it is for playing games/on the net/Facebooking.  Is that even a word? No but that is what some of us do.

Why do I not need read books on my reader?  Well that is an involved answer but it can be summed up by, I love the way books feel in my hands, I love the weight of them, I love the smell of them.  The older the book the more history it has.  Yes some of you are freaking out because you are thinking of germs or something.... stop screwing up my fantasy.  LOL you know you did it.

I recently read a book, "A Discovery of Witches" that sums up my thoughts exactly.

     "The smell of the library always lifted my spirits - that peculiar 
     combination of olde stone, dust, woodworm, and paper made
     properly from rags.  Sun streamed through the windows in the
     staircase landings, illuminating the dust motes flying through
     the air and shining bars or light on the ancient walls."

I love the entire act of going to the library hell even a bookstore to find a good read.  The library is more fun - why - because it is free!  But a bookstore is still good fun when there is spending money.

The above quote sums it up well for me..... comfort in light and smells.  Of a time when life was simple for me and a book picked me up and waltzed me through its covers to another life, another time and let me think of a better place.

On a side note, A Discovery of Witches will transport you the England as well as other places.  I highly suggest it for a fun cold weekend read. 

What book(s) transport you?

And so it begins....

I remember very early in my childhood my mother taking my sister and I to the local library.  My mother was young and we were poor.  Living on food stamps but my mother made the most of it.  You see you can get books from a library for free and at five years old my dearest memories involve my mother and her love of reading. 

Mom would take us once a week to pick up a book or two for my sister and I.  She herself would pick out 4 or more books, I am not sure if they had a limit or not.  Either way my mother would always finish her books and go get more before the week was up.  

She told me as I grew older that reading was a way to escape from one's life if only in your mind.  But that was all I needed.  A book could take me anywhere and more often than not, it made lift bearable when the bullies were around, when I felt alone in the world or when I just wanted a smile.  I still have my favorites and everyday I am adding to the collection.

What are your favorites?  Why are they your favorites?  Do you read first time Authors or wait for the reviews? Have you tried your hand at writing and do you fine it easy or hard?  Questions.... 

I will try to find ways to get my love of books old and new across to you my readers.  My favorites and why they are my favorites.  I will quote from books that have spoke to my heart.  Most of all I will try to help you find books that may touch your heart as well.

Last thought for the night, I am sure my mother helped me to find the normal books for my age. But I know for sure the first grown up adult book I got from the library was "The Plague Dogs".  I remember my mother checked it out for herself and I remember her telling me that when I was older that I would be allowed to check it out too but for now I was too young.  It was worth the wait... I loved it and I still love reading.  
Thoughts?